There are vital limits to every broken discourse, & not even the king can put Humpty back on his fucking wall, or on his skateboard…
Because only cool kids ride on skateboards, unless they are also rich kids, then they just take drugs…
Can you???
No one lives forever unless they were born in Bakersfield first!
But if you were to have lived & I died in your place, would you and mom have lived forever and been happy?
I am pretty sure there would have been some tears, but you and mom would have had a very happy life, after all I am only one mostly broken fuck up & while I have lived this long, I am pretty sure you, Sir would have lived a long life in opposite of this shell I am stuck in!
Yes, Sir!
As I write this no so secret communique to my father, I must look into his eyes and beg for his forgiveness, for my piss poor attempt at acting like a Fleming. At every turn, I am faced with the sad knowledge that I am nothing more than a grade “A” fuck up & there is a price I will have to pay somewhere & sometime –
I have had all the tools I ever needed & one by one I threw them away while I chased down some other easier idea.
When the final count is performed, I will come up short & have to start from the very start again!
Why?
Because that is how it works.
Forget about what they have told you. They are only the rules of the righteous
& the Strong.
I am not here to judge,
but to stand by in case, just in case,
Because I forgot who to love
& I forgot how to tell the truth.
Her name was — is — Joan because if she ever reads this I don’t want her to know I still pine for her touch…not the sexual one.
The one we shared that night She knows of what I am talking about. It was too good & I was too stupid to even know it at the time.
I let her walk away a long time ago because I didn’t know how to tell her that I loved her- I just didn’t have the words.
So now
So now these twenty years later, here I sit stuck with this confession of my love for a woman who didn’t even know I was built that way – All she saw was a guy who wanted her like all the others did & she was so tired of teaching them how to please her. Now the words are all that is left.
Sometimes she thinks about him, she does, but she didn’t want to take a chance, not again, but that is all she ever did, but now he was far away & she didn’t know how to get in touch with him and if she could then what?
She had her part to play & and she knew it was all wrong at the time, but she wanted him, just like he wanted her & yet it was far too late.
Sometimes pride takes over & takes you. to far…Sometimes we let the fear of things that we know can’t happen make our choice for us, so now what?
Now, what?
Does she call the one man she knows how to contact him?
What would she say to him if he was even willing to see her?
Does she tell him the truth or just let what happens, happen?
Who knows…it really doesn’t matter, she is just his last dream & because everyone needs something to think about and smile….
and just smile….
No matter what…
dreams are very powerful things, like dangerous drugs, they can hurt you.
Just a word to the mostly not so wise….
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